Suggestions for a Path of Discernment and Recovery
First, we examine our thoughts and feelings about our condition. Am I sure I am transsexual? Am I happy about it? Am I sure that SRS is the solution? Am I happy about that? We remind ourselves honestly about the implications. [read more here] If the answer to any of the preceding questions is ‘no’, we owe it to ourselves to explore every possible alternative.
We inform ourselves about the concept of sexually motivated, or autogynaephilic, transsexualism. [read more here] Is there anything there we can identify with? Could this be at the root of our unease? Are we in denial?
If we can accept that our transgender behaviours may be sexually motivated, we ask ourselves: could I simply decide that I am not going to act on these sexual urges, and stop the behaviours? If not, what does that imply?
We consider whether any of our sexual behaviours in general may be addictive. [read the questionnaires on external sites here, here, here, here and here] We examine in detail whether our transgender behaviours in particular have sexually-motivated and compulsive characteristics. [read my questions for self-diagnosis here]
We ask: do I want to be freed from my transgender compulsions? Am I prepared to take action and make contact? [read where to find help here]
We start to work a programme of recovery. As part of this programme we set boundaries around our transgender behaviours. [read about boundaries here]
We trust in a Power greater than ourselves to fulfil the Promises of the 12-Step Programme. [read the Promises, and my suggestions for special promises for transgender fantasy addicts, here]
posted by TS Anon @ 2:56 PM
5 Comments:
Hi, TS anonymous.
I actually created a blogger account just so I could leave a comment on your page.
I, too, have struggled with the exact same feelings and gender identity issues as you have. Your story and insights are so close to mine (they're identical, really) that they could have been written by myself.
The social phobia, low self esteem around women, trying to understand how strong heterosexual longings can exist in my mind alongside with what is clearly non-heterosexual fantasies, the addiction to abusive pornography (in which I'm the woman being abused), the secrecy and shame, feeling the world is a threatening place...all of it. It's right out of my own life. Well, I never visited prostitutes or embarked on a journey of transforming my body, but I can see that, eventually, I will be led to such extremes. It’s only a matter of time since the progression down this spiral is gaining in speed in proportion to the rate at which my natural barriers are eroding.
The most difficult part for me has been trying to pin down just exactly what my sexual orientation is. I know it shouldn't be a topic I obsess over, but I feel I owe to any future relationships with women to have a clear answer on this.
Unless one understands how this illness works (I feel illness is an accurate term), any attempt to explain it in rational terms simply sounds like pathetic denial. "I swear I'm straight and want to marry a woman, but I compulsively imagine myself as a slave girl being objectified by men and forced to do to perform sex acts on them like..." well, you know where it goes from there. It sounds absurd and I wouldn’t expect any woman to commit to a long term partnership with me having heard that. At the same time, secrecy about it has only caused the “thing” to grow like a cancer so that’s not an option either.
In my own mind, I can see how both desires (the heterosexual ones and the TG ones) occupy space in the spectrum of my sexuality, but they're so fundamentally different in nature that they also feel completely separate. The former is about love, sharing myself with someone, intimacy, healthy sexuality, complete identities, growth, spiritual connection, etc. The latter is about faceless, identityless, compulsive trophying of myself in abusive and sexually narcissistic ways. The former has sex as a magnification of the relationship. The latter is about nothing but sex – it is fetishistic in nature. There are no names, lives, personalities or identities in it. There is also no satisfaction other than the brief downtime between orgasms in which I can see the truth of all this, but slowly the compulsive fog will overtake everything again and the truth will be impossible to see. I’m writing this to you during one of those downtimes and, even now, I can feel the fog building again.
My outlet has been chat rooms and, occasionally, cross dressing…but I generally don’t allow myself to do that as I know I’m only opening the flood gates even more. The temptation is there, though.
I don’t know if I can stop anymore. I know I WANT to, but I don’t know if I have the self-discipline. I’ve “quit” hundreds of times…always vowing to set this aside and move forward without it. But I always go back. It’s frightening to watch weeks, months and years pass by knowing opportunities for me to meet a woman and enjoy a healthy relationship is waning. Granted, I’m only 30, but if I don’t get this under control, my actual age won’t make any difference. This “thing” will consume me and I’ll wake up one morning a lonely old man surfing porn in a dark room with nothing but an obliterated identity and sexuality to keep me company. The prospect of arriving at the point where it’s too late and having to wonder “what might have been” with it being too late to find out is so utterly depressing that it’s hard to even imagine how I’ll cope if it happens. The damnable thing is that, despite being so aware of this, I CAN NOT STOP. It’s always one more time. One more picture. One more chat session. One more website. I can see how I’m sacrificing the best years to something that is essentially void of any humanity and soul, but I can’t stop it. Even as I type this, the “thing” in me wants to finish this letter and go indulge some more.
People say autogynephilia isn’t real. That it’s a made up term by conmen for maleficent reasons. I can’t speak for the motivations of other TS’s or the character of Blanchard or anything else. But I can and will swear on anything and everything that’s scared to me that autogynephilia is real and it is overtaking my life. If other folks conflicted over their gender identity don’t have sexual compulsivity at the core of those issues, that is fine. I don’t wish to force the autogynephilia concept on them. But for me (and maybe it’s only me in the entire world that has this) it’s a very real thing and 100% sexual in nature.
I’ll end this here and tell you, again, your words have the ring of truth for at least one person out there - me. Thank you for putting this blog together – it’s been helpful.
Be well.
PS:
I know you wish to remain anonymous, but I would like to speak with you over email about your recovery and this issue in general. I don’t know how to reach you and I don’t want to put my email address on here unless I know you’re reading and will respond. If you are reading and willing to talk, let me know and I’ll post my email address.
Dear ag_in_doubt,
My sincere apologies for the long delay in responding to you. I haven't looked at the blog for some time, and was more or less resigned to the fact that nobody was reading it - I'd be very interested to know how you managed to find it! Your comment has made it all seem worthwhile - your experience sounds so similar to mine - right down to the details of your fantasies - that I can hardly believe the comment wasn't written by myself.
If you read this please, please do get in touch. You can mail me at grumpy'DOT'anon'AT'yahoo'DOT'com. I look forward very much to hearing from you and promise you won't have to wait another four months for a reply.
With my very best wishes,
Alan
PT1 Dudes,
Its late here and I'm waiting for a party to wind down next door so I can sleep.
But I just wanted to say, I HEAR YOU!
Fortunately when it was first put to me that I might be transgender, after describing some dreams that I had to a friend in SAA, the first book I read was THE MAN WHO WOULD BE QUEEN.
Much as I hated to admit it. I heavily identified with being autogynephilic. Even if nobody else in the world would admit to being so.
But, and after no little research back in 2011/12, I quickly resigned myself to the fact that transitioning was the only way to 'cure' oneself, not least because Blanchard himself was a proponent of this.
So, I changed my name in SAA meetings, and was openly transgender, though only actually attended 1 meeting in full dress.
Transition was a case of WHEN and not IF.
Spin on 3 years. Getting good recovery from Sex Addiction (which didn't really involve transgender fantasy, just imagining myself as the woman in porn scenes etc)
and I begin to expand my spirituality by opening myself to Jesus.
Then I realised that my sex addiction isn't just about PORN etc, it actually manifests with my partner (a female), and I am basically addicted to sex full stop, with anyone, anyhow.
So, I fully prayed to be released from this in every respect, with men and woman, but interestingly not including my autogynephilia which I presumed was biologically hardwired as an erotic target location error, and therefore unchangeable.
Anyway. After I had fully admitted the extent and comprehensivity of my sex addiction to myself, and asked for it to be removed, my male identity suddenly returned!
Like, almost immediately.
And I said to my partner the next day (who had called me Rachael for 3 years), Merlin has returned! (my name was Merlin before)
I could not believe it!
Then I realised that my lust was at the core of my desire to transition, and with God having removed this, so my desire to transition abated!
Unbeleivable. It made total sense with regards the autogynephilic model!!
My heavens, and I know plenty of autogynephilic transexuals (who wont admit it) who have fully transitioned.
And I could have been one.
Now. In many ways I may always quite mourn the loss of the woman I once was (briefly) and hoped to become, but I have found a higher calling, that asks me to put myself aside, for God.
As I was beginning to add this greater Christian spiritual dimension to it all, I was also randomly flicking the religion channels, and came across a man saving people on the street.
One of the many people he talked to was a Cross dresser/transgender.
And he said to her/him. Idolater.
And somewhere deep inside it struck me as being true.
I didn't understand it at first, but it just resonated.
Then I thought. I was making a false idol of myself as a woman. And I bowed and worshipped and prayed to that before God.
That was my God.
Now, Ive been back to Merlin for like 2 days, and I'm going to church Sunday for the first time in years.
PT2 My word. I'm extremely fearful that I maybe about to become a conservative!
Certainly. Gods plan is Great. And I am very excited about entering the Kingdom of God myself, after being so self-willed all my life until now.
Two very interesting other things.
Very strangely I too suffered an acute separation from my Mother when she had to go into hospital to have my brother and stayed about 9 days.
I was 14 months and barely knew or recognised my father
Secondly. Our family also moved when I was 6 years old to another country in the UK, which highly traumatised me.
I then also went to a boys school! And suffered much of the same insecurity around women.
Uncanny parallels.
Anyhow. Thanks so much you two dudes for commenting and setting up the Blog!
It is now at the bottom of the first page of google if you search autogynephilia recovery (I think).
Honestly. its incredible what is going on in the world.
I always knew that many many TS's were deeply deluded.
But, to think that the kingdom of God is so great, that God can save you from your sins. Incredible.
And that this, too, is a sin!
It makes me seriously consider that the bible may actually be true with regards all the behaviours it prohibits.
And hugely controversially. Maybe even homosexuality can also be surrendered?
Has the secular world been selling us all a great big lie?
Or do we all need to evolve through these proclivities by embracing them first, as I also did?
I don't know. But I do know that I'm very excited about my life now. And I may always miss her. But in exchange I get God. And God I can love. And he can love me back.
If she became the focus of all my affections, I perhaps would never be able to look up and embrace the Lord. Because I would be too busy loving, and being sexually attracted to myself.
Much like a 'romantic relationship,' I'd live off the thrill of the chase and the drug of seduction.
And maybe I could never really ever find true love for myself and others trapped within that internal gaze.
Big up you both. This blog may eventually kick off big time.
My bet is eyes will only open. Big Hug xxx
One further thing:
Just before I was released from my lust, sex addiction and desire to transition, I began getting the same fantasies about being abused by many men.
Basically being totally used and abused as a slut and a whore.
And I looked up corresponding pornography and masturbated to it, imagining myself as the woman.
Now. I remember reading that as an autogynephile I would have a desire for penises, but not the men on the end of them. This written in The Man who Would be Queen.
But I don't necessarily remember reading that these fantasises would be abusive?
As both contributors to this blog have experienced the same thing as I, I wondered if either of you had any thoughts on that!?
Why the fantasies seem to be abusive?
BTW, we maybe the only three people in the world who have actually seen the light.
Do you realise that??
The blog is totally pioneering.
Its very exciting. Congratulations once again!
Hope you are both well.
Love and Blessings
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